{"id":67689,"date":"2025-06-10T13:25:09","date_gmt":"2025-06-10T13:25:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/con-sentido.sweet-lime.ch\/relationship-practice-how-communication-makes-closeness-possible-again\/"},"modified":"2025-08-06T08:50:45","modified_gmt":"2025-08-06T08:50:45","slug":"relationship-practice-how-communication-makes-closeness-possible-again","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/con-sentido.sweet-lime.ch\/en\/relationship-practice-how-communication-makes-closeness-possible-again\/","title":{"rendered":"Relationship Practice: how Communication Makes Closeness Possible Again."},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p><\/p>\n\n<p class=\"has-drop-cap\"><strong><strong>Talking is silver, listening is gold<\/strong><br\/><\/strong>Many couples experience this: daily life gets louder, the relationship quieter. Between discussions about children, appointments, and groceries, little room remains for deep connection. Communication is reduced to function. You talk constantly \u2013 but somehow not with each other.   <br\/><br\/>Yet, communication is the lifeblood of relationships. Not only factually, but also emotionally. Esther Perel says:  <br\/><em>\u201cIn love, it&#8217;s not about the quantity of communication, but the depth of connection.\u201d<\/em><br\/>Guy Bodenmann (2016) speaks here of a lack of relationship competence \u2013 the knowledge and skill of how to stay connected, argue fairly, express feelings, formulate criticism, and respond to the other.<br\/><br\/>However, good communication doesn&#8217;t start in conversation with the other \u2013 but with yourself: with self-awareness, curiosity, and the courage not to make quick assumptions. Our brain tends towards confirmation bias: We prefer to see what confirms our image of the other. True connection is only possible if we learn to remain open \u2013 to differences, surprises, and development. <em>Think Again<\/em> is a great book recommendation here from Adam Grant (2021).  <\/p>\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong><strong>What Makes for Good Communication?<\/strong><\/strong><\/h5>\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Clear &#8220;I&#8221; messages instead of accusations<\/strong><br\/>(\u201cI feel&#8230;\u201d instead of \u201cYou always&#8230;\u201d)<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Active listening \u2013 without immediately offering solutions<\/strong><br\/>Sometimes the other person doesn&#8217;t want to be \u201cfixed\u201d, but understood. Ask: \u201cDid I understand you correctly?\u201d \u2013 or summarize. <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Empathy instead of interpretation<\/strong><br\/>We often experience ourselves as complex \u2013 but the other as \u201ca fixed type\u201d, as static. Try not to judge the behavior, but to understand it in context. Ask: What might the other person need right now? What does it say \u2013 and what does it not say?   <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Respect and name boundaries<\/strong><br\/>Boundaries can enable and protect. Like skin that is permeable yet protective. Ask yourself: Where does my experience end \u2013 and where does yours begin? Relationships need a balance of closeness and autonomy.   <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Choose the right moment<\/strong><br\/>Deep conversations need space. Not on the fly \u2013 but in a \u201csafe container\u201d where one can speak honestly and without fear. <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Apologize<\/strong><br\/>If you have hurt someone, take responsibility. That doesn&#8217;t mean taking on blame \u2013 but restoring connection. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong><strong>Common Communication Traps<\/strong><\/strong><\/h5>\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li><strong>Generalizations like \u201calways\u201d and \u201cnever\u201d<\/strong><br\/>\u2192 They lead to totalistic thinking and prevent genuine engagement.<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Negative spiral: \u201cThat&#8217;s just how it is.\u201d<\/strong><br\/>\u2192 Try to see the positive again. Put on rose-tinted glasses: What are you good at? What did you fall in love with?  <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Withdrawal or silence<\/strong><br\/>\u2192 Instead of withdrawing, try to stay in contact. Say, for example: \u201cI need some time right now, but I&#8217;ll get back to you.\u201d<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Dominance or constant justification<\/strong><br\/>\u2192 A relationship is not a power game. Instead of \u201cpower over\u201d, it needs \u201cpower to\u201d: shaping together, instead of arguing against each other. <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>Relationships need language \u2013 real language<\/strong><br\/>Not just about everyday life, but about what moves you internally. What you need. What you feel. What you wish for. Speak not just functionally, but in a way that fosters connection. Openness is the key to closeness \u2013 even if it requires courage. Remember what once connected you \u2013 and remain curious about each other.      <\/li>\n\n\n\n<li><strong>A small tip derived from the book \u201cThe Truth Begins with Two &#8211; The Couple in Conversation\u201d by Michael Lukas Moeller (1998).<\/strong><br\/>Take, for example, 15 minutes daily (or weekly) \u2013 no everyday planning, no \u201corganizing\u201d, but the simple question: What moves you? Listen for 15 minutes each, and use 15 minutes to open up \u2013 in a way that feels comfortable. <\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong><strong><strong>Roles also Need to be Renegotiated<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h5>\n\n<p>Our origin shapes our relationship scripts \u2013 and often also the roles we unconsciously assume: provider, mediator, responsible person. But sometimes we fill roles we never applied for \u2013 or we&#8217;ve carried them for too long.<br\/>Ask yourself: <\/p>\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\">\n<li>Which role do I (still) have?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>Which one do I (no longer) want?<\/li>\n\n\n\n<li>How can we shape roles flexibly and equally?<br\/><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong><strong><strong><strong>Having Difficult Conversations \u2013 with Connection<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h5>\n\n<p>Difficult conversations often feel like a break. Yet, they can be a gateway to true intimacy \u2013 if conducted mindfully. Start with your true concern, not with accusations. Say, for example: <em>\u201cThis is hard for me \u2013 and I still want to say it because our relationship is important to me.\u201d<\/em> Or:<em> \u201cI know this is difficult to hear. Can you help me say it correctly?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong><strong><strong><strong>Conclusion<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h5>\n\n<p>Communication requires self-reflection, curiosity, listening, boundaries, and openness. Esther Perel reminds us: <br\/><em>\u201cRelationships are not a given. They are daily practice.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong><strong><strong><strong><strong>Book Recommendations &amp; Sources:<\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/strong><\/h5>\n\n<p>Bodenmann, G. (2016). <em>Before Stress Divides Us: Resilience in Relationships<\/em> (2nd, unchanged ed.). Hogrefe.<\/p>\n\n<p>Grant, A. (2021). <em>Think again: The power of knowing what you don&#8217;t know<\/em>. Viking.<\/p>\n\n<p>Kahneman, D. (2011). <em>Thinking, fast and slow<\/em>. Farrar, Straus and Giroux <\/p>\n\n<p>Perel, E. (2020).  <em>Where should we begin? A game of stories <\/em>. Esther Perel Global Media.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Talking is silver, listening is goldMany couples experience this: daily life gets louder, the relationship quieter. Between discussions about children, appointments, and groceries, little room remains for deep connection. Communication&hellip;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":67582,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"pagelayer_contact_templates":[],"_pagelayer_content":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[292],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-67689","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blog-en"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Relationship Practice: how Communication Makes Closeness Possible Again. - Michelle Studer | Psychologist<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"noindex, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Relationship Practice: how Communication Makes Closeness Possible Again. - Michelle Studer | Psychologist\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Talking is silver, listening is goldMany couples experience this: daily life gets louder, the relationship quieter. 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